I finished my last entry.

Anyway, I was never planning to call John again because I was so uncomfortable about the idea of him being attracted to me. Yesterday he called me up around noon to ask if he could use my computer. He said that he'd been living in his car since he'd gotten in to town. (His story is that he left Montreal because his girlfriend of two years had been cheating on him, so he wanted to start a new life somewhere else. He has a bachelor suite in Kelowna, but his job office is in town, so instead of going back and forth, he'd rather stay here. He's a diamond driller.) I said that he could because I felt bad for the guy. So, he came over and used the computer to try to find an apartment. He had no luck.

We went for a walk up the big hill around the corner from my place. Pete was up when we left, and when we came back. I wore my new classy shoes because I wanted to break them in and test if they'd be okay for long walks. He wanted to climb an unpaved hill at the top of the road, but I wasn't in to it. We climbed atop this round cement dome instead. It didn't offer much of a view, but it was sort of nice. John told me that he had anger problems and that he's been to jail before. Mostly we talked about him and his life. I didn't mind because I've been finding lately that I don't have much to say about myself anymore. In the end, I wanted to go home because it was getting cold out and I was thirsty. I felt better about this time because he didn't seem as attracted to me. Maybe telling him that I was pretty much a lesbian cooled off the intensity. He doesn't believe that I'm mentally ill, he thinks that Pi abuses me. I tried to explain that I cry a lot and stuff, and I guess that he just got the wrong idea.

So, we walked back down the hill to my place. We ducked down the street at the opposite end and went past an open house for sale. There were people outside, so John asked one of them if the house could be rented. The guy didn't think so. John is one of those chatty guys that can strike up a conversation about just about anything.. so they talked for about 15 minutes about housing in town and stuff like that. In the end, we finally made it to my house and had tall glasses of orange juice and water with ice chunks. Pete was there still, and he seemed quieter than usual.

John sat back at my computer and looked at the newspaper page he'd brought. He decided to try to go find the one place that had offered him a viewing. He wanted me to come along, and since I had nothing else to do, I went. The place was really, really nice. I was expecting a slum from the location. It had been newly renovated. The neighbours seemed like good people. He drove me home and went off to have dinner somewhere.

I forget how my freakout went down last night. How exactly it began, I forget. In any case, we'll use what I remember. There was a mix up about the Calgary thing. I said that I wanted to go to college here (and he says that I said that I wasn't going to Calgary with him, but I don't remember that at all, so it seems like), he suddenly started looking for jobs in Calgary over the internet. I took this to mean that he was leaving me, so I got up, got my bag and my jacket, x-ed off MSN and left. I was heading for Mom's, and I called her and Sister, but neither answered. I called Neko because I knew she was worried because I'd told her a little of what was happening over MSN. She offered to have me stay over there for the night. She said she'd talk to her stepmom and call me back. It was after that call that I realized I'd left all my pills behind. Pi called to see why I'd left, and I told him. We sort of got things sorted out. I came home and got out my pills. He tried to stop me from leaving the house again, hugging me and trying to calm me down.. but I wouldn't listen. Neko called back and I agreed to meet her. I left, Pi didn't come after me.

Neko and I walked towards her place. Pi called me again to see why I was doing this. This time I decided that I was leaving him. I said all the usual stuff about how he'd be better off without me, he should go to Calgary, he didn't deserve to deal with me anymore.. you know, whine-whine, cry-cry. Neko offered to be my girlfriend, but I told her that I didn't want to be with anyone until I was sane again. (That, and I don't think she's really my type.) I hung up on Pi.. but I forget why. A while later, about near the end of the walk, Pi called again to ask about John being over. I told him the story and practically screamed that I wasn't cheating on him with John. From here I kept telling him all the reasons I thought that our relationship should end. I told him I didn't know where I'd stay, but I'd try to tell him soon where I was. I was crying pretty heavily in the end of the conversation, saying that I loved him and I would miss him. I terminated the call because I didn't want him listening to me crying anymore. I told him in the end that I needed the night to decide what was going to happen from here.

Neko's sister came down a while after we got in to the basement. We were watching comedy, and everything, even the commercials, seemed to remind me of Pi. I cried for a while, saying that I didn't know what to do. I explained my situation to them, and they said that their mom would probably let me stay with them. I have so much stuff.. and I wouldn't want to impose. I don't know where I'd stay.. probably my mom's. In the end, Neko convinced me to at least try to stay with Pi.

When we were going to bed, Jenna came home with a bunch of her drunk friends. They talked really loud, but I was so tired that I managed to go to sleep anyway.

I woke up at 9 to my alarm clock. I decided to head home instead of calling Pi. When I was leaving, I talked to Neko's dad a little. When I started walking, my one shoe rubbed against the back of my foot painfully.. it had never done that before, so it was sort of unexpected. I got close to the path home when I spotted a bus coming towards me. I flagged it down, and it came over to me. The bus driver was pissed that I didn't automatically say thank you. I probably would have if I'd been more with it and awake, but thanking the driver was the last thing on my mind. I apologized and took my seat. When we got to the end of the route, she called me up to ask where I was going. I offered to give her another ticket, but she declined because she just wanted to know where I was going. I told her that I was going to the intersection after where I normally get off. I don't know why I said I was going there, but it was close enough and she didn't seem to mind. I was so sure that she was going to kick me off the bus...

So, I got home. Pi was at the computer, drinking tequila and playing a game. He was sort of pissed off at me when I first came in, but he softened up pretty fast. We talked, and I explained that I didn't really want to leave him and that I'm really scared of going to Calgary. I told him I was really worried that I'd do something like this again, since my freakouts have become more intense since I started the b12 sublinguals. He said that next time would probably mean the end, for real. I don't know what I'm going to do because there's a good chance that I'm going to do something like this again, whether I really mean to or not. I wonder if b12 is anywhat like the shit they give to suicidals, you know, makes them worse before it makes them better? I almost hope so.. I want these to work so that I can get better and live a normal life.

Pi tells me that Pete thinks that I'm cheating with John. I can see why he'd think that.. but isn't it more likely I'd cheat with a woman? I'm not really in to guys, other than Pi.

I must be bisexual if I'm attracted to Pi. I'm so confused as to what I am. I still find women sexually attractive, more so than men, but the attraction to Pi is still there. What does that really mean for me, anyway?

In any case, something tells me that I'll be having a chat with Pete about this one. He thinks that I abuse Pi. Maybe I do? I don't have control over what I do to the guy most of the time, but it really doesn't stop it from hurting him.

John called to tell me that he probably wasn't going to get the apartment, and something happened with his new job. I didn't catch what was happening with his job because I didn't want to talk to him at the time. Pi bets that he'll call me every day and eventually ask to stay with us. I don't know him that well, so he can't stay here. I don't want to hang out with him every day, and I might have to tell him that. Seeing him once a week might be nice.. but not every day.

Anyway, I went to sleep pretty much after I that. Pi was supposed to sleep beside me, but he got up to make chowder. I slept for three hours. Pi was still up when I came out of the room. We snuggled and had a shower together before he went to bed. I had a couple of difficulties leaving him when he was in bed, but I made it in the end.

And so, here I am, telling to the internet. This is intended more as an explanation to my sister more than anything else. Secondarily, this is an explanation to myself because I know that I'll forget most of the details in a few days.

Now I'm going to go do something useful.