Okay, first off, nothing interesting has happened lately.

Well, nothing more than I thought about leaving Pi and I had a couple of freakouts. I finished reading Lisey's Story, but my desire to write didn't follow suit as per what my expectation had been. I've been spending a lot of my time drawing lately, getting in to this new "carving" style I've developed.

Leaving Pi? Well, that happened on a night when my sister was having a freakout, too. (She's on some happy pills and an antipsychotic, but she has no diagnosis to follow it up with.) The Pi thing happened when Pi refused to kiss me on his way back to bed from the bathroom. I just started thinking that maybe I should leave him, since he seems to trigger almost all of my psychotic behaviour nowadays. At the very least, I thought about taking a month's vacation from the house. So far I've settled for a week with Dad and plans to stay a few days with my grandma. I would have really liked to stay a week or two with Denise.. but I don't want to impose while she's busy and I don't think I'm up to the challenge of listening to what she has to say about The Secret. She sent me a copy of the book; I've flipped through it two or three times and I still don't get what all the fuss is about. It seems so obvious to me that it's plugging off the simplest idea anyone could ever take advantage of. I'll be sending my copy to Mom and Sister soon to let them have a look at it. If anything, I think Mom will really get in to it. I kept thinking that if Denise thought it was hot shit, I'd give it a chance.. but I don't think I'll ever read the book through.

Anyway, leaving Pi. I just feel lately that he can't handle me. He doesn't have as much patience as he used to have. I keep bringing up leaving, or going places.. and I know it depresses him.. but I want to be honest and tell him what I'm really thinking. Is it really so stupid of an experiment to try to get away from him a while to see if I get any saner without him around?

Jesus Christ, is my snatch ever itchy this morning. I must not have done a good enough job shaving or something. Fuck, it's so annoying.

I haven't seen Mer online once, and Hickey swears that she doesn't have Night Shift. Who the hell else did I hand that out to..?

I've gotten perhaps a paragraph done of Flesh in the last 10 days. I've done six Who's Stalking Shirley? comics.

It turns out that Sha was scamming everyone for money. Mar's birthday isn't anytime soon. What gets me is that I keep wondering why she did it. How could she sink that low? Well, I officially have no trust left for her and my opinion of her has sunk to an all new low. I'm asking around to see if anyone knows if there was a reason for this behaviour.

So yeah, going trucking with Dad this week. I asked him about it on impulse, still under the sway of wanting to get away from Pi for a while. I almost don't want to go, because I know that I'll miss Pi. But.. I have to do this. I didn't go last summer, so the least I can do is make up for it now. I'm taking the old Yashica along in hopes that we pass some good scenery.

I'm listening to Garbage's When I Grow Up. This song really reminds me of how I thought as a kid. "When I grow up/I'll be stable/when I grow up/I'll turn the tables". I always thought this would be true for me, long before I ever heard the song. Well, here I am, practically grown up, and far from stable. I certainly haven't gotten the upper hand anywhere. I'm not an intellectual jewel and I don't speak three languages yet. I haven't gone to college and gotten the education I so sorely lack and desire. No people, all I am is one mentally ill screwball sitting around at home, writing a journal entry full of things that I should probably keep to myself.

And no, Smash, I haven't gotten your letter. I sort of expect to see it when I get back from the trip.